Aching for home.
December 8, 2009 | Filed Under Deployment, Military Life
It’s been no secret that I have struggled this deployment.
Some people fly right on through these separations, never seeming to be bothered all that much. They are vibrant and busy. Happy and optimistic.
I have never wanted anything to end so badly.
I ache for home.
It’s funny to hear myself say that because really, where is my home? Is it here in New York? Because this is where I grew up. It should feel like home, yet it doesn’t.
Is it New Mexico? I mean, that is where my home should be after all. Well, if I hadn’t abandoned ship.
When I visited Vermont I felt the closest to being “home.” Probably because that was where Daniel and I had spent four intense recruiting duty years together.
But, what I come up with is this: Daniel is my home.
And so my heart aches for him.
Three weeks left. Probably, most likely, we’ll see.
It should seem so short. But, as I wrote to Daniel a little while back, even one day seems too long.
All I want to do is bury myself in him. Hide from the world. Let him refresh my heart. Soften the memories of life lived without him.
I can’t escape the sadness right now. I want to. Everything and everybody is so happy! It’s Christmas! Your husband is coming home! Be filled with good cheer! Stuff your face with cookies! Wrap presents!
All I can say is: I’m trying. I’m smiling. I’m holding out hope. I’m singing Christmas carols. Tearing off a link in the paper chain each night. One day closer.
Why is the end the hardest?
Comments
35 Responses to “Aching for home.”
Hugs to you. I had a similar experience–about the time everyone else was getting really excited for me because he was “so close to coming home!” I was beginning to feel about as badly as I had at any point during the deployment. I’m sorry it’s so hard.
The end is the hardest because. . .
Every second of each day you’ve been apart your heart feels it, and it hurts. At the end of the deployment the days Drrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggg on FOREVER and your heart hurts all that much more. I feel your pain, but sadly, my husband will only be home on leave. Somehow I will have to send him back.
Good luck in these last few weeks. I would say ’stay busy’ but you’re already doing that, and it only helps so much.
jewels´s last blog ..ha ha ha
Just think, it is almost over. I am happy that my husband is even home this year as he missed the last 2 Christmases due to deployment. And both of those years I didn’t want to do anything. I really didn’t, I got our daughter some presents, but didn’t decorate (not that I am a decorator) I stopped going to church because I was just tired of everybody and the empty words that they said, I stayed in myself and dwelled there until he came home in February. It is a hard and miserable thing deployments are.
Its almost over, you can see the finish line, just one more sprint and you are home. That is how my hubs and I both feel. We don’t have a physical home, we come from Las Vegas so we could call that home but our home is where the other is. When we are together we feel like we are home.
The end was seriously the hardest for me. You would think after having survived nearly a year, that one week or one day would be absolutely nothing. But, those were the days that I had the most intense emotional highs and lows, they were the most anxiety ridden, and they were by far the longest days of my life! Hang in there. I’ll be thinking of you!
JLS´s last blog ..Weekend ramblings
its because you can see the end, but you can’t quite touch it.
its because you have hope for finally being reunited, but the Devil isn’t a big fan of hope, so he reminds you how long it really is until its over.
i’m praying for you and the littles; i won’t say “hang in there” because i know you are, but i do know that it helped me, at the end of 11 weeks basic training and only speaking 2x the whole time, to just start taking it hour by hour: i only have to make it through the next hour. and so on.
hugs and prayers!
Lina Martin´s last blog ..Advent & Seasonal Book Basket
Praying that the time goes by quickly until you are both “home”
Staci´s last blog ..A One Night Streak Only…
I remember being numb at the end – not believing that the nightmarish year was almost over. We parted in the snowy cold, and met again in tne snowy cold.
You’re feelings are right, because they are your feelings. Hang in there, you can do it, though as you said, the end is the longest . . .
mindi´s last blog ..Do you wonder?
I agree with you. The end does seem to be the worst. Once you know the end is near, it just can’t possibly come soon enough. Although, the beginning is no fun either. We are in the pre-deployment stage right now and I am already emotional.
Gary is my heart and my home, as well. No matter where we live, it will always be home, if he is with me. When he is gone, the last place we lived together seems the most like home.
No matter how well a deployment goes, the last weeks are the worst, the most anxiety filled, and the slowest.
My heart is with you. I’m thinking of you daily.
Kristina´s last blog ..It’s All Fun and Games
I was thinking about you earlier tonight, as I watched the news. I don’t know any military families personally, but I have been checking in on your blog from time to time, and when I see military stuff on TV, it is your family that I think of. Tonight I was thinking that it is almost Christmas, almost time for Daniel to come home, almost time for you to take your babies to the zoo to see zebras (are you still doing the alphabet thing?) Here is to x,y,z being the quickest letters of all, and having a wonderful reason for looking good naked!
I think staying busy has helped me the most (not that you aren’t busy!) I guess mentally I just pushed Matt coming home to “oh, it’s next month” not fully realizing that it wasn’t terribly far into the next month that he’d be here.
I agree though — he is my home and I can’t wait for him to get back. Every bit of me misses him terribly, but I try my hardest to swallow it down and keep a smile on my face.
lola´s last blog ..Day 337: an emotional rollercoaster
ends are the hardest part of everything. keep yourself busy or just sit down and think of all the nice moments you had together and your kids, plan what you will cook for him… smile while you are running everyday errands cause you know he will be there SOON!
I remember wanting to punch people in the face when they would say cheery things like “he’ll be here before you know it” or “these next few weeks will just fly by!”
I’m not even the punching-people-in-the-face-type!
There’s a song by MercyMe called “Homesick” and it was really popular when my husband was in Basic. That is when I realized he was my home, and when we weren’t together, I was out of place.
there is no advice, no cheery words of encouragement. if there is any consolation in knowing that others have been where you are, then hold to that. and be confident that those that have walked before you are praying you through!
I can’t say I understand what you are going through, not being in the military or having kids even. My hubby is gone 5 days every week for work, sometimes his days off are not even the weekends, so we don’t have a lot of time to spend together and we cherish the little things when we are together – even dumb things like cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. Home is definitely where he is, because when he is gone, I feel very single with all the drawbacks and none of the benefits of it. You, Daniel, and the littles continue to be in my prayers, and I pray that the time to be together once again comes quickly.
Jackie´s last blog ..shame on me…
Oh Andrea! I feel so helpless sitting on the sidelines watching you and your family go through this deployment. I am so sorry and wish there was something I could say or do to make it all better. But sadly there is nothing, and that feels really crappy too. ;(
I want Daniel to come home so you can Really smile again and so the Life returns to your voice and you can be Home and be Whole again.
Molly @ Star Cottage´s last blog ..Baby Sling Sneak Peek
SMILE!!! He will be home before you know it. I think the last weeks are always the hardest. My Lew would only be gone 3 months at the max and that was hard enough. You are such a strong woman and such a great role model for your kiddos…
Hang in there. We were there last year and it’s hard! I tell everybody that the first few weeks and the last few weeks are the hardest. The first few because the entire deployment looms in front of you, and the last few because all of your reserves are spent and every day is a struggle. You’re almost there. *Hugs*
The closer it gets the harder it is. It is just as bad on the kids. Especially coming up with activities to keep their little minds busy. On top of that, everyone has a short fuse.
Keep a smile on your face. You will make it.
The end is the worst!!!!! I always get moody and emotional at the very end!!
I have always told people that my home is wherever the AF sends us because that is where David is!!
Hang in there!!
Love,Ashley
Ashley´s last blog ..Back to the Living
another days over….another day closer!!
just take it a day at a time!!
Can’t wait to see the reunited photos!!
Take care
SaraG´s last blog ..Our first dusting of snow this winter.
Praying for you, friend.
Kristin´s last blog ..Caught!
Yes, that last part is not easy at all. I do hope that it goes by quickly for you.
We miss you around here and can’t wait to have you back!
You can do it, girl. I know you can. Not much longer and your heart will be whole again.
Saying a prayer for you and your family.
I hate the ending.. But, soon you will have a wonderful beginning!!
It’s the holidays… it makes everything that much harder!
Blessings,
Kristie
Kristie´s last blog ..House Shopping
um….who are ‘these’ people that ‘fly through deployments’????
I live in a world of CONSTANT deployments – my hubby was deployed for over 200 days a year for four years straight and I was surrounded by women in the same boat/plane
I have NEVER met anyone who ‘flew’ through it.
they are lying…
you are telling the truth!
Holly Panter´s last blog ..what was that!?
I think the end is the hardest because your just emotionally drained. I feel like that sometimes, like ive held it together enough i just need a break. Not a break from the kids or the daily stresses of being a mom but from the constant missing of someone so important and close to me.
the mrs.´s last blog ..I’m a moose
Ugh, the end really does drag by so slowly. During the deployment I had Wyatt, I got a call the morning they were supposed to pull in letting me know they were heading back out because another boat was broken down so they had to cover. Aagh! This happened three times, and it was horrible waiting, much worse than the rest of the time. He did come home, though, and that was what was most important.
Ana´s last blog ..Mail Call
I feel your pain. I think I pretty much hate everything those last few days and just want to hide from life. Thank goodness it is almost over…but geeeesssshhhhhh already! LOL!
Hang in there!!
autumnesf´s last blog ..Day 10: Ornaments
I have been reading your blog for a while now. I have 9 children and 13 grandchildren and somehow feel you are part of my family. Many years ago, my first husband was in the Viet Nam war and I still remember how that felt. I have never commented before but just have to say my heart goes out to you right now. I am praying that you and your Daniel will be together soon.
Dear Andrea,
Your family has been in my constant prayers since Daniel’s deployment. You are an incredible mother and wife and I know your husband must be immensely proud of you.
I am praying now for the days to fly quickly.
Blessings,
karen
Yes, the end is the most stressful… I think because often the homecoming date is not very certain and it can change right at the last minute. Here’s hoping for much holiday happiness to distract you these next few weeks!
Zoe´s last blog ..I love olives
Gosh I felt like that too. I felt like so many other bloggers were doing it easily with their goals and accomplishments. Me? I just got through. I lived. And sometimes that’s all I could manage. I always told Mark that when he’s gone I’m homeless.
But I was watching a wedding thing on TV the other day and their vows with the rings said, “Let this be a symbol that you are never alone”. It applies now when I’m having a hard time making friends, I just look at my rings and remember I have my best at my side.
You’re not the only one who struggles outwardly with deployment. I definitely did. And I felt like 15 months was cruel. A year was hard, 15 was unbearable.
Ugh. It’s always that way. The end seems to draaaaaaaaag.
You’re in my thoughts, though. I can’t wait to see your post about his first day home….That’s always the sweetest day.
For some reason the last few weeks always feels like I’m running a marathon through molasses. I guess it’s like someone wrote above. You can see the finish line, you just can’t touch it yet. You’re in my thoughts these days.
Lemon Stand´s last blog ..SILENT PROTEST…