Jealous.
March 11, 2010 | Filed Under Daniel, Eliza Dove, Eve, Military Life, New Mexico | 5 Comments
Mornings with Daddy rarely happen. Unless it’s the weekend. Early morning is our time; I get up with Daniel at an ungodly hour to make his lunch and feed him a hot breakfast. We have a few quiet moments together before he heads to base with coffee in one hand, food in the other, and a kiss on his lips.
I’m jealous of this time we have together. I don’t share it with the kids even though I know they would love to see Daddy before he leaves for the day. Yesterday was an exception. Daniel was catching a ride into work with his boss who was running a bit late. So, everyone was up together while I made Daniel breakfast and got his lunch together.
It was special and I mostly enjoyed it. But it’s not going to become a regular event.
I’ve never been very good at sharing.
Decorating advice needed!
February 1, 2010 | Filed Under Decorating Ineptness, Life Stuff, Military Life, New Mexico, Photos | 16 Comments
I have these big white walls. Everywhere… well, almost everywhere. And they bother me.
On this particular wall I have finally decided to use one of my rainbow prints to adorn it. I think… if you approve, that is.
Daniel finally took pity on me and cut out a piece of 20×30 cardboard… after watching me hold up the tape measure 87,000 times.
Can you see it? Does it work? Do I need to add anything else or is the photo enough?
On the opposite side of the hallway there is a loooong stretch of white wall. I’ve decided to do a series of 16×24 prints of these four vineyard photos I took this fall.
Are you feeling it? Help? I don’t know what the crap I’m doing…
MyPay
January 25, 2010 | Filed Under Deployment, Military Life, Photos | 15 Comments
The only part of post-deployment I don’t like… the jacking up of one’s paycheck.
It seems like it happens with every deployment and sometimes with a PCS.
Times like this it pays to anticipate that your money is going to get messed up. It also helps to plan for it and have a proactive approach. Thankfully we were ready.
Annoying though.
Dear Grandma,
January 11, 2010 | Filed Under Lond distance good-byes, Military Life, Perspective | 40 Comments
I’ve always counted myself as blessed. Very, very blessed. For part of my life I had two Great Grandmas and one Great Granddaddy, all of my Grandmas and all of my Grandpas. Over the course of the last probably twenty years, I have lost only one of my Great Grandmas.
Shortly after Eve was born we had a picture taken of my Granddaddy, Grandma, mom, myself, and Eve. Five generations… we were in the paper for goodness sake! I’ve always felt that having this much of my heritage still alive was a really big deal. One that I have been very grateful for.
Thursday around noon my Grandma passed away. Betty was her name; she was my Dad’s mom… But she was my Grandma. Daniel and I were in the middle of driving through Mississippi when my Dad called me with the news. There had been no warning, no sickness, no nothing. Grandma had a heart attack and died in my Grandfather’s arms in an instant.
You just never know it’s your last time to hug someone’s neck until it’s too late.
The funeral is today and I can’t go. We pulled into New Mexico late in the afternoon yesterday and l have been dealing with some sort of very painful issue with my lungs for the last six days that I need to take care of. Flying to New York just couldn’t happen. This is most certainly a part of military life that, though I had read about, I had never experienced. Oh, it hurts to not be able to be with the rest of my family. To be the only one not flying in.
I wrote a letter to my Grandma for my brother to read at her funeral. I didn’t know what else to do. How else to say good-bye. I sure am going to miss that tiny beautiful woman…
Dear Grandma,
I am so sorry that I couldn’t be there in person. I agonized over the decision of whether to come or not. For two days I went back and forth; on Friday I reserved a ticket to fly up but as I sat in the cab of our truck watching Alabama roll by I heard your high pitched beautiful voice voice in my head, “Andrea Leigh, don’t be ridiculous! I am just fine, you stay right where you are.” And so I am.
Oh Gram, this is so tough. I just saw you the other day! I gave you Calla Lilies in a pot and you remarked on how they were the same flowers you carried in your bouquet when you married Grandpa. You were suppose to work your green thumb magic on them and when I visited I was suppose to be blown away by how marvelous they looked.
Grandmas aren’t suppose to die. They are meant to always be around spoiling their only granddaughter, like you did for me.
I’ve had lots of time to think as Daniel drove our family across the country towards New Mexico; and I have remembered so much of you. I remembered how every time you kissed me your one lone whisker would poke me in the cheek. And we would always laugh together about it. I remember how you would tell me that you had to go “Tinkle” when you would use the bathroom. And how you called yourself a fish because you loved being in the water so very much. I loved how as a little girl you always let me go through your make up and play. I would come out of the bathroom and show you my creation and you never laughed at me. Thanks for that. I remembered eating your store bought oatmeal cookies and thinking they were the best thing ever. And the way you made poached eggs was simply amazing.Truly one of my favorite breakfast foods.
Grandma, I loved you so much. You were a fireball underneath a soft layer of love. I still laugh over the time, one summer when David and I were staying at your house, you were driving us into town and you were mad as a hornet. I don’t remember why but you were; and you yelled out “Damnation!” Not “damn” or damn it” but the full and entire word, “Damnation!” And me, never having heard that word before asked, “Grandma, what is “damnation?’ Oh, you were so red and embarrassed. You back peddled yourself into a theological discussion that I still remember and laugh about today.
I have so many memories with you, Gram. Way too many to write about here, and you know what… I couldn’t be more grateful. Simply because it means that you were around for 29 years of my life. And you invested in me; you played with me, you fed me, you bought me presents, you swam with me, you took many summer night walks with me, you laughed with me; the years rolled by and you spent time with my children, laughing over and loving on them too.
Grandma, you loved me so well. And I loved you. I wish more than anything that I wasn’t writing this letter to you. That this was all just a silly made-up story and that I could hear your tinkling bell of a laugh and know that I could stop by your house and everything would be just how it has always been for all my life.
But, it can’t be. And that makes me cry. I can tell you that I am very much looking forward to seeing you in Heaven, with your fiery red hair and your sweet smile. I hope that God lets you keep your one lone whisker ’cause it’s part of what makes you, you… to me anyways.
I love you Gram. I’ll miss you always.
Love your Andie Pandie.
Daniel and the kids re-unite video…
January 7, 2010 | Filed Under Andrea, Daniel, Deployment, Eliza Dove, Eve, Judah, Military Life, Perspective, Video | 44 Comments
I thought you all might like to share in our joy.
I video-ed on my mighty little Flip video camera when Daniel and the kids first saw each other at my parents house.
Just try not to cry.
Untitled from andrea hub on Vimeo.
This video is after a few minutes had passed and Eliza was in the process of warming up. Thank the Lord for Skype! Daniel and I directly attribute Eliza seeing him and talking to him via Skype to her recognizing and quickly being comfortable with him.
Eliza warms up from andrea hub on Vimeo.
The “reintegration” process has been absolutely seamless. The kids have fallen right back into rhythm with Daddy; the only issue I can see is that they have to learn to trust Daniel again. Trust that’s he’s here to stay… they tend to get a little frantic, asking for him when he leaves the room or to run out to the truck. Especially Eliza.
Right now I am laying on a couch on Columbus AFB in Mississippi watching the Texas/Alabama game with Daniel. We are well on our way back to New Mexico and it has been a wonderful trip thus far. I will write a detailed blog about our trip once it’s over but truly, it has been an amazing time as a family. I am thankful for every minute I sit next to Daniel in our truck. The kids have been complete angels and we have made some great memories.
This is the first time I have been on my computer since Sunday (I KNOW!) so to say blogging has had to take the back seat would be an understatement but this family time minus any distractions has been a blessing. But I am very much looking forward to getting back into a rhythm. I am so much happier and peaceful now… as my brother David said today, I am a “totally different girl!”
And I really am. Daniel does that to me. I’m so thankful for my magnificent husband!
Tomorrow
December 29, 2009 | Filed Under Deployment, Military Life | 38 Comments
I think that tomorrow I’ll just hop in my truck and take a little drive to the Buffalo airport to…
PICK UP MY HUSBAND.
Yeah, baby.
Aching for home.
December 8, 2009 | Filed Under Deployment, Military Life | 35 Comments
It’s been no secret that I have struggled this deployment.
Some people fly right on through these separations, never seeming to be bothered all that much. They are vibrant and busy. Happy and optimistic.
I have never wanted anything to end so badly.
I ache for home.
It’s funny to hear myself say that because really, where is my home? Is it here in New York? Because this is where I grew up. It should feel like home, yet it doesn’t.
Is it New Mexico? I mean, that is where my home should be after all. Well, if I hadn’t abandoned ship.
When I visited Vermont I felt the closest to being “home.” Probably because that was where Daniel and I had spent four intense recruiting duty years together.
But, what I come up with is this: Daniel is my home.
And so my heart aches for him.
Three weeks left. Probably, most likely, we’ll see.
It should seem so short. But, as I wrote to Daniel a little while back, even one day seems too long.
All I want to do is bury myself in him. Hide from the world. Let him refresh my heart. Soften the memories of life lived without him.
I can’t escape the sadness right now. I want to. Everything and everybody is so happy! It’s Christmas! Your husband is coming home! Be filled with good cheer! Stuff your face with cookies! Wrap presents!
All I can say is: I’m trying. I’m smiling. I’m holding out hope. I’m singing Christmas carols. Tearing off a link in the paper chain each night. One day closer.
Why is the end the hardest?
The Conversation.
November 17, 2009 | Filed Under Deployment, Deployment Blog, Military Life, Perspective | Comments Off
**Differing opinions are starting to trickle into the comment section…
The conversation… the comments are really where it’s at.
I continued the conversation today.
Veteran’s Day 2009
November 11, 2009 | Filed Under Daniel, Deployment, Military Life, Photos, Veteran's Day | 19 Comments
My husband’s view every evening… an Iraq sunset
Thankful and proud…
I am thankful for the path of blood, sweat, tears. Of young lives given; of thinking and wanting nothing in return; the sure focus, the pride of sacrificing all for one’s country – values – religion. The willingness to lay down one’s life to assure freedom for those yet to come.
I am proud of my husband, a patriot. Of his decision young in life to choose sacrifice; to choose the harder path; to live for a cause greater than himself.
I am proud to be living in the shadow of much greater women who have gone before me; to be living and serving alongside strong courageous women who sacrifice daily under the title of “military spouse.”
We live for our men, for our children, for our country.
Is there any greater calling?
Camera sent to Daniel from the very generous Sara
Well then…
September 3, 2009 | Filed Under Daniel, Deployment, Deployment Blog, Military Life, Photos, Recipe | 18 Comments
I was a bad mom today. There was much more frustration than happiness. Much more ick than good.
Nobody needs to make me feel any worse or beat me up. I’ve done far more of that to myself than anyone else ever could.
Actually, the last couple of days have been kind of ornery for me. I think I have too much on my plate, now and in the very near future. And well, I just don’t do so good with that. Also, I accidentally published a prayer on my other blog, Dear Me, and it made me cry. It was so personal and not suppose to be published. Not that what I have written over there isn’t personal, I mean, I did blatantly talk about the s(ex) word, after all.
I certainly learned my lesson on being more careful to not push publish on something that is only suppose to be a draft. Goodness gracious.
Have I mentioned that I am going down to New Mexico for a couple for a couple of days next week? ‘Cause I am. And boy, am I nervous! I think it might be a little hard on my heart, seeing how I thought the next time I was in New Mexico it would be a HAPPY time and our family would be WHOLE again.
I am very excited to see my friends again, though. And see some of those sunsets that I love so much. And check on my roses, should no one live in our house yet.
This Saturday I am working as second shooter on a wedding with Amanda. And I am excited! I’ve never photographed a wedding before.This one is sounding like it’s going to be pretty awesome. I’ll let you know how it goes. Wish me lots of creative luck!
Daniel is doing good. It’s like groundhog day over there; every day is very much the same. And very, very hot. He starts his last class required for his Physician’s Assistant program application package, this week. We are excited for him to have everything put together and ready to submit. Especially because Daniel’s career field just went to something called “One to One.” Which means a cycle of: 6 months of deployment, 6 months home.
Tell me that doesn’t totally rot. The mere thought of that becoming my reality strikes a whole lot of fear into this woman’s heart.
A bunch of you expressed interest in buying some of my photos… I totally blushed when I read of that. I have thought it over and generally over analyzed it as, you know, I do… and much to the relief of my biggest cheerleaders, decided that I am willing to set something up where you could purchase prints.
If you want to, of course.
Tomorrow I’m going to be a cleaning FOOL. I feel Fall coming on and that spells CLEANING to me! Oh, and baking too. I took my favorite recipes out today ( I keep them in a ziploc bag. Fancy, eh!) and felt this feeling of happiness and comfort wash over me.
I felt like they were a little piece of home. Worn out, stained, scribble upon, and treasured. Sounds like home to me!
Let’s have a happy Friday. Shall we?
2 Months…
August 17, 2009 | Filed Under Andrea, Daniel, Deployment, Military Life, New Mexico, Photos | 19 Comments
Today marks two months from the day I packed the kids and myself into Ruby the truck and drove away from the man I love.
I headed East with my back facing the beautiful New Mexico sky.
(straight out of the camera except for a simple crop)
Do you know how hard that was? Some of you really do.
I always believed it was harder to be left. I don’t know anymore. It tore my heart out to drive away from Daniel, knowing that there was going to be six months between the moment he last kissed my lips and the moment when I could reach my fingers out and touch his face again.
I still don’t know how a person can walk away from the one they deeply love. I don’t know how I did it… I guess it was simply putting one foot in front of the other. Trying not to let the feelings of sadness overwhelm me.
I don’t remember much from those first few hours.
I know I got to Lubbock to pick up my mom. I know that I made it to New York. I know I moved myself into a new house. I know I made it to one month. I know that I made it to two months.
Every day is a choice. A choice to get out of bed, be happy, to smile, to not cry.
It’s a choice to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Some days are much harder than others. I am praying that this month, the one that takes me from two to three, is a lighter load. I want to smile more and cry less.
For those of you that pray for me… thank you. Thank you, thank you.
I can physically feel them. Your prayers make all the difference.
Featured!
August 13, 2009 | Filed Under Featured!, Military Life, Photos | 10 Comments
Today my blog is being featured at an online magazine site called Blognosh!
The post that is being used is called: Sunday Night Fun…
Reading over what I had written, seeing the photos that I had taken of our friends, remembering the fun we had… made me cry. This military life is not for the faint-hearted. Sometimes, like today, I really miss my every day normal life.
Thanks to Angella for submitting me!
Sweetest Hair Bokeh…
July 31, 2009 | Filed Under Daniel, Deployment, Eliza Dove, Eve, It's What's For Dinner, Military Life, Photos | 13 Comments
Maybe it’s because I know just how sweet she smelled. Or that I could feel her silky baby skin under my fingers. Or seeing how lovely the little curls looked at the nape of her neck…
Maybe that’s why I love this photo of my fresh from the bath, in her birthday suit, baby girl.
Or maybe it’s simply the hair bokeh.
Either way, any way, she’s my sunshine.
We have a little game we play; I say: “Lizey, who loves you?” and she answers: “Mama” in the softest sweetest voice you’ve ever heard. My heart bursts with love every time I hear her say that one little word:
Mama
We held our first complete conversation yesterday evening. I’ll never forget it. Thank you Lord for little girls named Eliza.
Tonight we had a simple, delicious dinner. Brown rice, farmer’s market green beans, and salmon burgers. I am perfectly satisfied with the simplest of dinners. Especially when I have three shining faces looking at me from across the table.
Lest you think I lived some sort of charmed life, I will let you know that dinner wasn’t perfect. Eliza baptized some of her dinner in her water cup, she squished half of her rice onto her diaper, Judah was s-l-o-w, and I was totally hot and sweating because my seat is in the sun and we have no a/c. But, perfect or not, it was a wonderful meal that I was able to eat with my children. Daniel would give just about anything to have been at that table with us.
The sadness in his voice today while we talked about how much the kids are changing, was heart-wrenching. I knew that it would be hard for him to miss so much of the kids changing and growing but to hear the sadness in his voice, to hear the pregnant silence of his disappointment, was really tough. I stopped for a moment to really allow myself feel what it would feel like to be separated from my kids for such a long period of time; the pain of it took my breath away. It was unimaginable. To leave three children in one state of being and to come home six months later to what may seem, entirely new children… my poor husband’s daddy heart is broken.
But, we’ll keep the torch lit and the pictures sent and the skype on. It’s the best we can do. What he’s doing in Iraq is important, he’s making a difference. He needs to be there. And we are desperately proud of him.
Sometimes reality just hurts.
Being Green-ish…
July 24, 2009 | Filed Under 26 week deployment and alphabet adventure!, Eve, Military Life, Musings, Photos | Comments Off
As you well know, the kids and I are working our way through the alphabet during Daniel’s deployment. While my original intention was to buy the big, chunky letters from Lakeshore, it occurred to me that I can create my own letters!
I am not at all crafty but I can cut out an alphabet letter from a piece of cardboard, right?! Well, kinda. The letter “A” was rather tall and skinny because of the weird size the Rice Dream box was that I cut it from…
The letter “B” was rather wonky and had grease spots because I used a pizza box top…
“C” is just downright boring.
But hey! I’m saving money and being semi-green. Plus, the letters have character. And I am all about the character. I have to admit, I am nervous about cutting out some of the letters. Our imaginations may need to be employed.
Here’s to finishing out “C” week well! Chocolate cake is in our very near future…
Daniel Doing Desert Duty
July 15, 2009 | Filed Under Daniel, Deployment, Judah, Military Life, Photos | 10 Comments
Still working out!
A couple of days ago, Daniel sent me these photos that a friend took! I was so excited to see pictures of him and his life. All of these photos are from a trip Daniel volunteered to be a part of. It was a trip a team of guys took to a remote base to fix some electric, plumbing, AC, etc. equipment. He didn’t know at the time he volunteered but this meant a couple of rides on a Black Hawk helicopter. I was so happy for him.
Reality is, we can’t be together right now; we can’t be sharing life… you know, doing the parenting, go to work, go to school, clean the house, mow the yard, change the oil, pay the bills, together thing. I want to walk away from this time with wonderful experiences and I want him to walk away from his deployment with wonderful experiences. That little trip he took provided a few of those great experiences for him. I know it was tough; he worked his tail off. And it was wicked hot and wicked dirty and very dangerous but he had a blast. That is all I want for him.
I do have to say, this shower sure leaves a lot to be desired.
I’ll take my porcelain tub any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Thanks.
Oh, and the scorpion… dear LORD that thing is terrifying to look at.
All in all, Daniel is doing good. He’s pretty tired all of the time; between the heat, the work, and school, he is going non-stop. But, he’s good. And he is happy to be doing his part.
I’ll post more photos as he sends them. He doesn’t have a camera yet but once I can send him one they will be more and often.
